Dixon's Forum Posts from Dixon

Searching back through wiser eyes, I realize what they really saw.    I really should have tried putting myself in their head, not expected them to already be in mine.    Or at least, tried keeping it dignified.

That quirk was far from trivial; what actually sprang forth from those madcap, poetry-popping cannily comical pages was nothing like character — it was everything like caricature, like I can’t tell where the comedy show leaves off, like I’m only writing to show off the poems, like all the world, himself included, is nothing more than a great big joke.

Nothing at all like the real me, but everything like all the real me showed ’im.

After that brilliant first meeting, accepting that really good advice, happily rescued from publicly flubbing my first brochure, thinking perhaps of reaching out to that very helpful, thought-provoking, wise and cracking poet for more; then to be pursued by this wacky walking sideshow that would honestly alienate anyone in my path — if I were Governor Elect, I wouldn’t write back to me either!

Trying to stand out from the crowd, in that way, my way, torpedoed my own opportunity and, worse, delegitimated some pretty good ideas:    No matter how clear the vision, or cogent the thinking, nor eloquent the oratory, nobody takes seriously:    the class clown.    Not even the other class clowns.

Still thinking it wasn’t my fault, but the cold unwelcoming world just turning against me, I turned my back, instead, on it and on public service, did not pursue that meaningful, rewarding career, just kept flittering through life like a leaf in the wind, as always always always, was my way.

Like other ways, it has its ups and downs, meandering and discovering through artisanship and artworking, drudgery and infernal toil, science and academia, twice newsboy, necessarily inventing, background politicking, short-order cooking, chief cook and bottle washing . . . my favorite pathway, the one I’d had the highest hopes to keep, was poeting, and my proudest contribution was the brand-new verb.

I had always considered a poet as the absolute very highest, most ultimately superlative milquetoastiest thing a man could ever be, the direct opposite of a carpenter, until I thought I was one, and found it a noble calling.

Plus, they get more girls!    . . .    I found that out the hard way.    . . .    A leaf in the wind gathers lots of perspectives.    . . .    But, that’s another story.

I figured something would keep me from getting that job, and I was right, and smugly told myself, “I told you so.”   If the old adage is true that all geniuses are idiots, it doesn’t make any idiot a genius.    Likewise, doing something so completely foolish doesn’t make me a complete fool.

There’s a vitalizing sense of empowerment in seeing my failings as mostly my own flubbing fault, and a sounder, more sensible worldview.    It turns out the world just turns, nothing more, not for nor against anyone.    There are no powerful outside forces going around sticking people with carrots.    So the clueless confused conclusions I had logically naively drawn from my misguided mixed-up upbringing were patently diametrically wrong, and the powerful forces controlling my life:    was me!

That says success was always within my grasp, and therefore still must be, if only I ever succeed not tripping over my own two feet!    That’s harder than it looks.   Even sometimes standing still.

So, to the anonymous Thoughtful Policy Wonk Former Governor, who continues making history, from even greater heights, whom I once reached out from powerless obscurity to invaluably help over a crucial part of your pathway thereto:    I’m sorry I muffed it so badly back then, and I’m sorry for thinking you an idea-stealer and fool; the ideas were gifts, and I was the fool.

I’m steering clear of those senseless, defeatist self-deterring ways, so I’m acting smarter now.    And I don’t think I’m a poet anymore, so I even actually look smarter now.

I have changed for the world that would not change for me, and I still want that job, trying to change the world.

Questions?